Valentine's Day is coming ...

How I dread this day. I used to love it and went all out on this day for my children and whom ever else was in my life but now, I am just not in the mood. I don't want to give or recieve because everything comes with an attachment of some kind. That is just too much drama for me to deal with.
Maybe that is it ... when asked for now on, what I want for Valentine's Day is relaxing night at home by myself without having to cook dinner, entertain, or address anyone else's needs. That sounds perfect! If only everyday could be like that ...

U just don't know

U all don't know how big this is ... today was a perfect day. Yeah, I got the flu and feeling bad physically but emotionally I am great. No drama to report today. Everyday should be like this. Thank you God for hearing my cry!

Shari Ann has lost 2lbs! Woo Woooo!

Ashley "The Diva" loves her Mommy!

Cam "The Princess" Lynn loves her Daddy!

And I have "NO" drama to report!

Well ...

No drama to report like last time ... GOOD! My life should be this way always.
My girls are happy and school seems to be starting off on the right foot.
I have a new friend in my life and I can say that this friend seems to be the right thing for me.

BTW - when I say friend I mean just that. I am not down playing anything here!

I have been working on my spirtiual growth as a Christian woman and man, I am being challenged in very way, good challenges and I accept that! I have done somethings recently that wouldn't allow the folks involved to believe me at this time however, those things I have apologized for and made amends for my wrong doing. So right now, is my time with God, my children and myself!

However I am a work in progress and progress is what I am aiming for!

I NEED to know ... Listen

Okay so my eldest has found an interest in boys ... she is 14. She isn't dating but has a couple of friends that call regularly ... not a problem. Just giving you some history. I have been extremely blessed to know that she has an amazing mind, I am proud to call her my daughter.

I also have a little one that is 3 soon to be 4. Now I am NOT planning for the worse with her, because already I see something about her that will put the her name in lights someday. However I also know that a father plays a huge roll in the lives of children especially little girls.

Let me go back for a moment, the oldest child is all me. I raised her ALONE! Not easy however when there is a job to do you do it. Damn everything else.

Okay now let's move on ...

Now the little one's father and I broke up OFFICIALLY, September2005, not a problem, it had been ending for a while and I accept it is over. He married MY final straw in November2005.

Just accept it ... I had to!

So our daughter hasn't spent time with him since his marriage because I needed to heal, shocked, NOT by the marriage but by the conversation he had with me two days following the marriage. He lied in the conversation, I wanted to believe it, he is still married and here we are today. Meanwhile, our daughter had been missing out on her father.
My fault, I accept it!
No arguement here about that!

Now, let's move on ...

Since my oldest have started having phone calls and so on and so forth, I realized how wrong I have been and decided to let my little one spend the NECESSARY time with her father. A man that I have had an off and on relationship for 12years with.

My oldest is 14 remember, he is THEIR father, in their eyes!

I decided to start letting the little one spend time because it is NECESSARY in her growth as a woman. A bad example in a man is better than NO example. There are plenty of reasons why I say that he is a bad example but I am not here to put that man's business out there like that ... this is about what I am going through.

What I mean by a bad example is better than no example is this ...

When a woman has a man to compare all men to she can will make better decisions in men. She will date and get into a relationship when she decides to get involved in one, and get exactly what she deserves.
When a woman has no man to compare all other men to she will not date and start entering into relationships not knowing what she wants or at lest what she doesn't want and will tend to fall for anything. The first man that compliments her, that buys her something, pays attention.
If you don't believe me poll your girlfriends the ones that had a father in their lives, active father. And take a look at the ones you know without. Their lives are completly different. The father doesn't have to be good or bad, just there!
Him being there will prevent a young girl from being in a relationship and having a baby with a man that she thinks she is in love with after only knowing him a year. And then calling him a dog because she didnt take the time to get to know him and didn't listen when he was showing her or telling her who he really is. A woman who dates would have seen it because she would not have been committed. She is too busy for that ...
I am guilty of not dating but entering into a relationship, my father died when I was young and my mother never remarried.
Now all of this is just my opinon and one I find to be very valid with the circle of friends, and associates that I have and had. I have never been proven wrong on this since I have formed this opinion. I challenge anyone on this if you so choose ... however that isn't the topic @ hand.

So looking at my oldest I have this change of heart with my little one. She NEEDS her father, I text him and inform him. I advise not to question, because I knew my reasons weren't about me and him but instead our seed.

He didn't get the message.

When I talked with him this morning WE discovered that his wife erased the message .. had too. However, it didn't bother him. He went on with the conversation as if it was okay. And I am pissed. I have a chronic asthmatic and am in and out of the hospital with our daughter, that the Dr's and nurses know us by name. To the point I know who their shifts. What if it had been another emergency?
To me something so life changing for him such as I have a change of heart is just as important as she is in the hospital.
He didn't fake the funk with an, it wont' happen again, I am sorry, I will talk with her. Nothing!

Now I have been faced with nothing but hostility by this woman, she has the last name and is mad with me. Go figure -
Now this?

How am I supposed to feel comfortable with sending our daughter into that environment?
I don't want him, I am done ...

U tell me, what's a concerned Mom to do?

I can't control him, I can't make him have a backbone, and I don't know and can't trust her with what is mine. He is the one who is responsible for our child and for him to not take responsibilty and make me feel comfortable in a situation where my comfort is import, what do I do?
Or will you tell me my comfort isn't important.

Now, I have raised one, and if necessary to do it again with another I can and will, but that isn't what I want for my child.

What would you do if you were me?

Hey Hey Hey

The gym is going okay ... trying to work it out. I have some plans and need/want the weight off. More importantly I am motivated! Thank you for the unecessary drama and stress in my life (u know who u r). It has pushed me to work out & I am still alive. I tell you that first day I went, I thought I was going to DIE trying to keep up with those skinny girls! I can say that it is a stress reliever. However, in no way have I gotten used to it. I am working on making it a life style. Check back with me to see how I am doing. Until then kisses!

Have you noticed ...

That the people in your life that demands NO more drama are the ones who create most of the drama? They are the same ones who can't go a single conversation or day without stating they want not more drama and in that same conversation cause more confusion and upset the entire conversation and you get no where with the conversation ... the purpose or reason for even talking is lost. Why is that?

The Wedding ...

I thought I would be jealous and not want to be at the wedding of the century, however I had a nice time. I am so glad that I attended. My girlfriend look beautiful, her husband was as dashing as a man should be on his wedding day. And to my surprise he was bashful. I couldn't be more proud to have been an attendee ... I am happy for them.
I did realize however, due to age and so on and so forth, I used to think I wantd to get married in Vegas cut out all the spending and what it would cost to be married here in church. However I wouldn't do it anyother way with out friends and family and more importanly the CHURCH! Not that God isn't watching over Vegas, but it isn't an option for me any more. I want a church wedding!
Now anyone who doesn't know me would wonder why this is such a big deal that I am putting it in writing however it is and for me it is and very important. Now although I am not looking for love, doesn't mean that I dont' want to be loved. And although I am not in a relationship doesn't mean that I dont' think about it. I miss being wanted and needed by someone other than my children. However the next time around, will be worth the ride. It's always greater later isn't it?

Me
Hey, I found this site and realized that it's another great way to express myself. I don't know how much I will tell or if I will tell anything at all, however it is great to have options. Today is turning out to be okay, am getting dress to attend church service and a wedding following. I am a little reluctant to attend due to a little jealousy however everyone deserves their happiness and I am excited that my friend has found hers. I guess my turn will be in time. Until then I will stay Blessed and Encouraged!

Did I admit to a little jealousy ... not by style but I guess some truth to it all the same!

Always Improving