Moods ... Moments

So I had the gastric bypass 2/7. I hadn't really told anyone and am not making it a huge deal about telling anyone now. However if they notice or ask so be it, I have nothing to hide. It's been three weeks today since the surgery and I've lost 30lbs. Im feeling a lil nauseated but ok.

The first 3 weeks were the most difficult because it was liquid only. I wanted to eat so bad. Im hoping the next three weeks will be a lil easier due to I can have pureed foods. Mashed some potatoes today, it helped with the flavor I miss. I didn't realize I had such an intimate relationship with food. I didn't realize at 300lbs that my life was so centered around how food made me feel. You would think that I did or would have noticed but when you are so busy making yourself feeling better with flavors of onion, garlic and textures from mac n cheese or grilled chicken who had time to notice?

It's good though, just alter my previous recipes once I can eat again and enjoy just very litte. Im not eating to live not living to eat. Im getting used to it as it is taking me 15mins to eat 6oz of yogurt. This constant sweet tast that I have also doesn't help either. I heard it will pass. Im looking forward to the new me! I made the decision to have the surgery because of my health. I had high blood pressure and diabeties. My sugar was getting out of control with every bite and my blood pressure wasn't leveling off. They were just adding and adding medication to my steady diet of no good! This was the best decision for me and so far my blood pressure is looking great and my diabeties is under control. It's only a matter of time before Im off the last two meds.

Well continue on this rant and rave of a journey with me ... Im sure there will be up and downs. Good days and bad days. There will be love shared/recieved and lost. This is only the beginning of the new and healthier me.

Mood today ... if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't! I miss food!

U know who U are ...

Dear U,
Although I admitted that being able to fall in love with you, I KNEW there was no chance in us. I knew our communication would forever be on a level of friends, I didn't mind. I don't want there to be misunderstanding as to my feelings or intentions that I might have or had.
I still find you amazing ...
I am in awe of your courage & strength ...
Your smile warms my heart ...
Your eyes seem to pierce me. Other times they are like mirrors making me examine myself and my life ...
Your voice moves me ...
BUT
I know better and I have always just wanted to be and will remain just a friend.
U know where to find me, call if or when you can!

I have the chicken pox ... I am so unhappy!

Angry!

Such is life!

ummmm

So today I went to the Dr for a complete physical ... it was time! No biggie, I go thru this every year! But damn if I find out that I gained 5lbs! I could have screamed. I should have screamed!
I have been doing everything right (or so I thought) and gained weight!
My day was just shot! I feel like all that work for nothing and damn the cardio and or whatever else right now!
So when I left the Dr's office, I was tempted to go to McDonald's but couldn't pull into their drive-thru. I instead I came home and made a salad! Damn this stuff is getting to me! I want a steak with some roasted red potatoes. I want some suga water and Turtle Soup ice cream frm Ben & Jerry's. I want a tuna sandwhich with extra mayo and some Ruffles Sour Cream and Cheddar potato chips. Damnit I want to eat ... all the stuff that brought me to this weight!
But fucc it ... I am going to work the 5lbs off and try for more!
I am just too cute to have this weight hangin' on! Or at least that is what I keep telling myself. Maybe I should just accept it.
Maybe I should kiss these extra rolls and accept that my kitty cat will remain hidden!

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I guess the high light of my day is that my houseguest have one more day to before she leaves ... just one more day! Gosh time flew but not fast enough ... but time is still ticking!

tic toc tic toc ...

So I am sitting here and needing to be @ school. I am up dressed and even have my keys in my hand and still haven't left the house. I don't imagine that I will. I think instead I will catch on my reading, catch up on some z's and even wash a load or two of laundry.

I have been spending a little more time with my girls lately and getting involved in their lives. Spending less time with the TV. I have even stepped up my workouts to 4 times weekly for an hour each time. I am trying to go for 5 but in time, all in time. It's becoming easier to go workout and even more easier now that my pants fell a lil different on. Now, I won't weigh myself, I am sure that I will be discouraged. The numbers will reflect my hard work in time!
U know before I started working out, I did what they say you should and I went to the Dr.

*like she would have a problem with me loosing a pound or 75*

So she ask me how much I am trying to loose, well I really don't have a number for that. I guess what I want to do is loose enough to be able to where a belt again, and not an oversized one. I want to loose enough as to when I am in a mirror I don't have to lift, move and/or shove body parts out of the way to see little kitty cat! I want to stand in the mirror and see ALL of me!

I will stand in the mirror and see all of me!
In time, everything in time!

I have been doing all cardio, I know that is wron and I have to lift weights also. It's just that I get intimidated by those machines. I am waiting to talk to a friend of mine whom I know will go with me, show me a few things and take the fear out of the unknown.

Y do folks feel the needs to buy my little girl white dolls? I am not the most active pro-black person but I have NEVER purchased my daughters a white doll!
NEVER!
It's bad enough that little black girls self esteem can sometimes be low because there arne't enough roll models that reflect them. Their play should reflect them ... well I guess as long as I can help it, my daughters will see a positive reflection of them!

Well, I will stop fussin and go find something to get into ... like go to the DMV! Damn, I should have went to class!

I am an R&B and Neo-soul type of chick, it just rubs me the right way. So here in Cali I listen to KJLH, it is the only station here that does't deny me my ear food.
So, everyday about 3pm they have the letter of the day. I love the letter of the day! I tend to make sure I am coming or going somewhere @ 3pm, have to hear my letter of the day. Today it was the gentleman who was into the gay lifestyle up until he began to go to church that taught the word.

*we all know that there are churches that don't teach the word, let
alone that teach anything*

So as he began to get into the word, learn more and grow in Christ, he began to and eventually left the homosexual lifestyle alone. From the wording of the letter, I gather that it had been some time that he has not involved in the homosexual lifestyle!

Fast forward ....

He is now engaged to be married, have not and sexual realtions with anyone much less his future wife. He goes to the Dr for a regular checkup, you know a physical. He stressed that NOTHING was wrong, this was all routine. Only to find out he is HIV positive!
His dilemma, does he tell his future wife now or after they are married due to he won't and doesn't plan to have sex with her until they are married? He figures right now it's not an issue. The radio station had an AIDS activist on due to they knew this would bring in loads of calls and comments. They wanted the public to have the facts before making a decision, besides its was the best time to educate us! The activist states that the law requires this man to tell this woman.

* I however thought it was only a requirement before sex, not
before marriage. I am still unclear on this point*

She mentioned that most of the women who she counsels who have AIDS often say or tell them that he was the only one, it could have only been him. They tend to find out that he has a past that he has concealed (ie. jail, a dl lifestyle or even a homosexual lifestyle).
This is the moment that I had to get out of the car!

Damn short car rides!

So I ask you with what you have learned from this gentleman, what should he do? What would you have said thought, if you had heard this and then some on the radio? Would you have called?
I tell you it has me thinking ... I am even more inclined to stay celibate! This is some scary stuff! I love living, I just don't ever want anyone taking my life into their hands! I mean how can I play spades without the full deck of cards? This woman deserves this info before marriage.

Ooohhhh ... let me not forget, his reason for not being able to tell her, he doesn't want to loose her and he is sure he will!


A few links to better educate us:
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/dhap.htm
http://www.aids.org/
http://www.hivtest.org/

A Lil Blue

Talking to my friend Blue today he is hooked on this girl name Nicole ... to hear him talk about her is something.

My man is just gone over this woman, it's the sweetest thing!
I wish them luck, the best of luck! Knowing him, he doesn't need luck he will have what he want and the happiness that everyone deserves.


Of course this has me thinking
What is it that I want?

Let's just start here ...

I want to hear your voice daily
I want my fancy tickled
I want my nipples to swell with thoughts of you
I want to dress for you
I want to cook for you
I want to cum on you
I want my kids to love you
I want my eyes to smile when I see you
I to sleep in your t-shirt
I want to wake up to inside me
I want to snuggle with you
I want our scents to blend together under the covers
Watch you brush your teeth, talk to you while you are on the toilet
I want to argue with you
I want to love you ...

I want you ... whom ever you are, I want you to know these things, and then some!

A Secret Desire ...

I am a lover of words ...

I know I am not a writer by any sense of the word.
I love to read and am amazed as to how some folk put their words together.
It captures my me and keeps me involved. Their creativeness is absolutely mind blowing.
I wonder what is it that I love so much but can't seem to put a single thought on paper and have someone to be mesmerized by it (not even myself).

What is it that some folk can put their thought on paper and just seem to tell a story about nothing, not mention the subject matter and still have you wanting more. Almost like watching an episode of Sienfield!
I have crossed some pages and it's almost like a mind orgasm, if that is possible!

I want to give mind orgasms
to mesmerize
to put my thoughts on paper and have them to capture!

I want to write!